Ok, so...
I hate myself and my work, is the net result of everything so far. I don't know anyone or anything in Leeds, I have no money, everyone at work thinks I am a knob and a weirdo basically. I am FUCKING MISERABLE.
One of the only people from work to ever actually give a shit about me had a drunken convo with me last night. Basically everyone at work thinks I'm a knob and a weirdo. He had a point though, I don't listen to people and I interrupt. I hate myself, I do it all the time, I can't stop it, it's just ingrained. I don't know what to do. I just want out. I would leave tomorrow if I didn't have a minimum term on my housing here. I just want to go home to my mates who like me for who I am, and not have to be around a bunch of closed-minded idiots my age. They are closed minded. Yes I interrupt and don't listen but it's not just that, I'm different and they don't fucking accept me.
My knife is next to me and today I have been more tempted than ever to self harm. But my friend called me instead and is helping me see the wood from the trees. Or whatever that saying is. I'm going to do something constructive. Apply to TV companies in Leeds and find out if I can leave my accommodation early. If I can I want to go home and start again. Get some part time cleaning work or something like that, volunteer on my old tutor's radio station, and pass my driving test. Start again and get into TV. Get back into what I LOVE. I didn't really get on with anyone in my first TV job but there it didn't matter because I was in the industry that I loved. I got on so well with everyone at the BBC. I fucking miss it so bad and wish I could go back. I miss London, I miss my friends, I miss my old life.
If I stay here in this job and situ it will drive me to self harm or something, everyone says I am strong but I'm not this strong, I'm not supposed to be having to be this strong for the sake of money or something stupid.
I need to sort my shit out.
Monday, 20 December 2010
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Back on the piste!
For those of you who don't know, both ski runs, and the strip fencers fence on, are called a 'piste' (pronounced peest) It is in fact a French word, meaning track, run, road etc. And fencing has its roots in France, so it's no wonder it involves French words such as piste, and other 'old French' words such as 'en garde in sixte, quarte, octave, septime...' and yes I find it very challenging to remember which is which! However no matter what language I speak (or don't speak!) I was exceedingly glad to hear 'En garde... Allez!' for the first time in nearly two months, and to brandish my foil at my opponent, and fence!! Yes, I am back at it! At Leeds fencing club, to be precise. A lovely club full of people who are kind and have a good sense of humour, which is what I was looking for. I'm never going to be an amazing fencer, but I do like to have fun!
This morning, I ached like HELL, but it was so good, and I felt so good last night too. I am so glad to be back on the piste again. I can't wait for next week, but if Sunday is anything to go by, I shall have to resist the urge to take my foil to work and fence them all senseless!
Jules xx
This morning, I ached like HELL, but it was so good, and I felt so good last night too. I am so glad to be back on the piste again. I can't wait for next week, but if Sunday is anything to go by, I shall have to resist the urge to take my foil to work and fence them all senseless!
Jules xx
Sunday, 24 October 2010
All good!
Had a good day - smashed sales total of yesterday and manager had a chat with me and totally put my mind at rest. Work was followed up by a good ski session with my mate from work and her friend, it was a right giggle, and I fell for once - looked like a snowman!
Only bad thing was I had to lug all my ski gear home and I have really bad cramp in my legs - but I feel great and am looking forward to tomorrow!
Jules xx
Only bad thing was I had to lug all my ski gear home and I have really bad cramp in my legs - but I feel great and am looking forward to tomorrow!
Jules xx
Saturday, 23 October 2010
All change!!
So, it's been a while!!
Massive epic fail from me, couldn't get on the net at my new place, then realised I hadn't put the password in in capitals and it was... god I swore, lol!!
So now! I work as a sales assistant in the ski department of Ellis Brigham! Not quite telly but I love skiing and it's money and I get free time on the slopes!
Just like in London, I am having a hard time adjusting and work is tough too, not settling 100% and when I got home and microwaved a potato I burst into tears when part of it burnt - getting used to a new place, a new city, is horrible, it's worse than London, I don't know where anything is!
Everyone on the bus is dead helpful though when I don't know where to get off though. I live in Leeds, it's scary up North. My flatmates are really cool, both of them are out tonight so I am banging the tunes out by myself. Cba with the telly.
Yeah I don't feel too wanted in my department at work and I've hardly had any footbed fitting/making training, so they can't expect me to be doing it all cos I can't do it well enough, so they can't blame me for not selling as much - they took the piss cos I had the lowest sale total today... :(
Very mixed my life is, at the moment.
Massive epic fail from me, couldn't get on the net at my new place, then realised I hadn't put the password in in capitals and it was... god I swore, lol!!
So now! I work as a sales assistant in the ski department of Ellis Brigham! Not quite telly but I love skiing and it's money and I get free time on the slopes!
Just like in London, I am having a hard time adjusting and work is tough too, not settling 100% and when I got home and microwaved a potato I burst into tears when part of it burnt - getting used to a new place, a new city, is horrible, it's worse than London, I don't know where anything is!
Everyone on the bus is dead helpful though when I don't know where to get off though. I live in Leeds, it's scary up North. My flatmates are really cool, both of them are out tonight so I am banging the tunes out by myself. Cba with the telly.
Yeah I don't feel too wanted in my department at work and I've hardly had any footbed fitting/making training, so they can't expect me to be doing it all cos I can't do it well enough, so they can't blame me for not selling as much - they took the piss cos I had the lowest sale total today... :(
Very mixed my life is, at the moment.
Friday, 1 October 2010
Rare happiness and possible progess :)
Hello to anybody out there!
Yes, I have been bad, I haven't updated for ages. Why? Well simply, I've been very depressed and feeling like nothing is worth it and life is pointless.
That changed yesterday though. For a start, instead of blanket thick cloud and rain, it was sunny with blue skies! Now trust me, the weather DOES affect moods, and this bad weather was not helping my depression. But yesterday it was a good day for once, and the mother had taken the day off work, hell bent on going flying.
When we took off from the airfield, it felt fabulous. I have being flying since I was -9 months old, and you know what, it NEVER gets any less exciting or amazing, and I am incredibly lucky to be able to do it, because I can't afford it myself. But today felt different. As supposed to the usual exhilaration of take-off, I felt like I was rising above everything bad, flying on the wind to a better place... etc etc etc. It felt great!
Soon after we took off mum handed over control and I was flying. I've been able to level the plane off and turn it/fly straight and level for yonks now, but it's always awesome to grab the stick and say the words 'I have control.' Amazing!!
Our plan was to head North to a coastal airfield, but that was halted after ten minutes as we flew up to a massive bank of cloud! We're not IMC rated (i.e. able to fly with low or no visibility) so we can't fly through the cloud, nor do we have the instruments for it. Frustratingly, the cloud was too low to fly under safely, so we had to turn back.
It wasn't all bad though. For a while I've been learning to land the plane in case I need to should the pilot be incapacitated. And just because I wanted to for myself - I like a challenge! I've taken it right down to just above the ground before but never landed it - it's very hard and takes a lot of judgement.
Starting on my approach though, I had more confidence than usual. The sun was shining, the wind was less than a whisper, and I was right on target for the runway. Taking a bit of instruction from mum, but I was flying the plane by myself. The descent went well, I was bang on with my throttle control and height. I can't really remember what happened next really well! I remember saying firmly to mum 'I can handle this' , and then I'm yelling 'TROUGH!!' as I thought I was gonna hit the trough to the right of the runway! I remember a 'snapshot' of green grass and trough on my right, and then an actually very smooth bump, and we were rolling along the runway. I was unsure as to whether mum had grabbed the controls at the last minute, but it felt all my own work... I turned to mum and said 'did I do that?' and she said it was all my own landing. I just started shouting YESSSSSS!!!!!!! and laughing my head off like a looney, and I was panting and shaking like a leaf and my legs were like jelly but I was so exhilarated. First landing!! And yes when I got out I kissed the ground!!
Anyway after that we went onto a nature reserve which was lovely because I saw some rare birds including pochards (ok not so rare but they don't live on my village pond!) and a white egret! Just before I saw the white egret (and luckily in the ONLY place in the reserve with phone reception) I got a phonecall inviting me for a job interview with Ellis Brigham!
Excellent stuff! Awesome day! Anyone who knows me will know I love skiing and I'm quite technical and love my gear etc, so I would really like this job. Really really really!
But, it's not TV, I hear you say! Yes but it's something I'd enjoy and it's WAY better than being on the dole, and I urgently need to save up again. I will get back into TV when the chance comes along, but this job sound great and would be awesome. And I need to save up to go on a wildlife video editing course, which would be EPIC.
So tomorrow is my job interview and then straight after I go on holiday for a week with my wonderful boyfriend. Jules is happy again and I can't tell you how damn good it feels to be free of the depression, no matter how brief the respite.
Love to you all,
Jules xx
Yes, I have been bad, I haven't updated for ages. Why? Well simply, I've been very depressed and feeling like nothing is worth it and life is pointless.
That changed yesterday though. For a start, instead of blanket thick cloud and rain, it was sunny with blue skies! Now trust me, the weather DOES affect moods, and this bad weather was not helping my depression. But yesterday it was a good day for once, and the mother had taken the day off work, hell bent on going flying.
When we took off from the airfield, it felt fabulous. I have being flying since I was -9 months old, and you know what, it NEVER gets any less exciting or amazing, and I am incredibly lucky to be able to do it, because I can't afford it myself. But today felt different. As supposed to the usual exhilaration of take-off, I felt like I was rising above everything bad, flying on the wind to a better place... etc etc etc. It felt great!
Soon after we took off mum handed over control and I was flying. I've been able to level the plane off and turn it/fly straight and level for yonks now, but it's always awesome to grab the stick and say the words 'I have control.' Amazing!!
Our plan was to head North to a coastal airfield, but that was halted after ten minutes as we flew up to a massive bank of cloud! We're not IMC rated (i.e. able to fly with low or no visibility) so we can't fly through the cloud, nor do we have the instruments for it. Frustratingly, the cloud was too low to fly under safely, so we had to turn back.
It wasn't all bad though. For a while I've been learning to land the plane in case I need to should the pilot be incapacitated. And just because I wanted to for myself - I like a challenge! I've taken it right down to just above the ground before but never landed it - it's very hard and takes a lot of judgement.
Starting on my approach though, I had more confidence than usual. The sun was shining, the wind was less than a whisper, and I was right on target for the runway. Taking a bit of instruction from mum, but I was flying the plane by myself. The descent went well, I was bang on with my throttle control and height. I can't really remember what happened next really well! I remember saying firmly to mum 'I can handle this' , and then I'm yelling 'TROUGH!!' as I thought I was gonna hit the trough to the right of the runway! I remember a 'snapshot' of green grass and trough on my right, and then an actually very smooth bump, and we were rolling along the runway. I was unsure as to whether mum had grabbed the controls at the last minute, but it felt all my own work... I turned to mum and said 'did I do that?' and she said it was all my own landing. I just started shouting YESSSSSS!!!!!!! and laughing my head off like a looney, and I was panting and shaking like a leaf and my legs were like jelly but I was so exhilarated. First landing!! And yes when I got out I kissed the ground!!
Anyway after that we went onto a nature reserve which was lovely because I saw some rare birds including pochards (ok not so rare but they don't live on my village pond!) and a white egret! Just before I saw the white egret (and luckily in the ONLY place in the reserve with phone reception) I got a phonecall inviting me for a job interview with Ellis Brigham!
Excellent stuff! Awesome day! Anyone who knows me will know I love skiing and I'm quite technical and love my gear etc, so I would really like this job. Really really really!
But, it's not TV, I hear you say! Yes but it's something I'd enjoy and it's WAY better than being on the dole, and I urgently need to save up again. I will get back into TV when the chance comes along, but this job sound great and would be awesome. And I need to save up to go on a wildlife video editing course, which would be EPIC.
So tomorrow is my job interview and then straight after I go on holiday for a week with my wonderful boyfriend. Jules is happy again and I can't tell you how damn good it feels to be free of the depression, no matter how brief the respite.
Love to you all,
Jules xx
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Bad news
Finally got the rejection e-mail from my dream company... not even invited to interview... kinda gutted. I have enough experience etc. I guess all they want is local people and graduates. What's the f**king point? I'm a girl from a tiny village in the East Midlands, and I don't have a degree cos I don't want to waste 3 years building up debt and writing essays, only to start making sodding cups of tea and coffee. Do you really need a degree to be a runner? Really? Is it fucking necessary to have a degree to make drinks and carry tapes about? Is it fuck. And my location doesn't help too. It's a wonder I don't just give up totally already. What more does this industry want from me? I'm not superwoman, I just wish I could have a chance, but no matter how hard I try, it goes wrong or it doesn't happen.
Bollocks to it.
Bollocks to it.
Friday, 3 September 2010
More Monotony
I've applied for more post production runner jobs and still not heard back from the dream company - 2 weeks later. Not even a yay or nay. I'm giving up hope. I want my career, I do, but it's being drowned in the shitty reality of this modern world.
I'm hungry, but I'm not going to have food yet. I need to learn to control my eating. 3 square, healthy meals a day and no snacking. I have pitiful willpower and it gets me down even more. :(
Jules xx
I'm hungry, but I'm not going to have food yet. I need to learn to control my eating. 3 square, healthy meals a day and no snacking. I have pitiful willpower and it gets me down even more. :(
Jules xx
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