I have an interview :D

Can't say where but I am reeeeeeeeally excited and very nervous... I have a big advantage on this I think... but you never know... it's on Wednesday afternoon, I will let you know how I get on. Very nervous, going to be hanging out with a mate beforehand to calm down. I hope I get it SO MUCH!! I want this very badly. Fingers crossed it goes well. I am confident. Here's hoping!!

Argh my HEAD!

The night before last was the worst case of insomnia I have had recently. I was awake till 2-3am and then dipped between waking and fitful half-dozing in which I had very vivid dreams and nightmares. I was awake enough to suffer a lot but not awake enough to stop them. I'm not gonna go into what I dreamed about - that's in the very inner realms of Jules' Private Thoughts - but suffice to say, it's something that touches a nerve for sure.

The day after that (so, yesterday) I signed on at my new local job centre. It wasn't as bad as I thought - I have a cool slightly eccentric personal advisor, and everyone was nice.

I am really in deep with the lonliness and depression now. The stress is getting to me, having to manage my whole life by myself would actually be easier if I had a job to be honest. Just the getting out and seeing people makes a difference, never mind the whole 'awesome I'm working in TV' thing. Every day now is another day of my life wasting away, not reaching my goal. And all the time this is going on, my head is messing me about more and more, playing more tricks on me and sinking me deeper.

One thing's for sure, if there is one thing harder than making it as a video editor, it's making it as a depressive headcase video editor.

Ah well. Gotta keep on keeping on. As Winston Churchill said, if you're going through hell, keep on going. I will keep fighting and keep trying, because it's all I know and because I want my ambition! Badly!

Jules xx

Gaaah.

So, here I am, sat here in my lovely rented room just north of London. I love it here. It's great. But right now all I can see out of the window is a very dark grey sky, and all I can hear is the rain starting up again. How appropriate.

I still haven't heard back from that company about the job they interviewed me for - they said they would get back to me 'soon' but maybe I was that awful they can't be bothered. Or I don't deserve it. Whatever. People always tell me I shouldn't think such negative thoughts about myself, but so far, all it seems to me is that I have made a total royal prat of myself, by telling everyone I want to be a video editor soooooooooo badly, making myself look so great by getting a triple distinction at college and BBC work experience and finally a job as a runner in London, then promptly crashing and burning in spectacular fashion by only lasting 2 weeks in the job.

And now it seems there are no more jobs. I am sat here every day going nowhere in my career/ambition, and that scares me. I'm scared of never making it, of never achieving my goal, scared of failing.
I just feel like such an idiot. Jules, who was going to be a video editor, and couldn't even hack it as a runner. How bad is that?! I just really want to get on in life. To work hard, work till I drop, if it means I can make it. I know what being a runner in a big company entails now and I know I can do more than I ever thought if I push myself, well the next time something comes along I will work even harder than I ever did and I won't stop.

I can't let everyone down who believes in me, I can't let all the people who said I'd never make it win, I must prove to a certain someone I am worth the time and effort and help, and most of all, I must make it for myself, a) because I love video editing and b) because I need to prove to myself I am not the worthless no-hoper I was made to believe I was.

I have been applying for normal jobs today, having just about exhausted the list of post production companies in London to apply to (suggestions are welcome!) and tomorrow I will phone up and apply for Job Seeker's Allowance - should have done it today I suppose, but it's depressing and I need to be in the right frame of mind to put up with it.

Great, it's hooning it down with rain now, I can hear it all across the house. Tempting to go for a walk in it, but it's never as good as in the films, I'd just end up soaked, it's got to the point where it's so heavy it's beyond suitable for moody walking. It's actually so heavy it's a bit alarming now!

Just took a look out of the window - our road has actually turned into a river! Luckily I live in the highest place in London - something to be very glad of right now! On that point, my condolences go to the family of the policeman swept away trying to stop people using a dangerous bridge. How awful. :(

Well, there you go I suppose, no matter how bad life is someone else's is always worse, at least I am warm and dry! Wrapped up in my roasty toasty old work hoodie. It feels a bit odd wearing it after getting sacked, but my normal hoodie is drying in the laundry and this one is the warmest thing I own right now!

Bloody hell, the WIND!!!! There are twigs and stuff flying past my window and rain blowing UP the street!! Can't see the other side of the street too well! I can hear burglar alarms going off. This is getting seriously serious here. I am going to go before this blog turns into a weather report, and check the family here are ok.

Jules xx

Blargh...

Interview went fine except when I totally froze and blanked when asked about the company!! Grrrrr! No rejection e-mail yet so fingers crossed.

Had a good day out in London with my mate today. Have to go back in tomorrow to tie things up with my old work, grrrrr!! Have also confirmed to my landlord I am staying here. Be it job, benefits or savings that fund it, here is better than where I grew up.

Last chance...

Bloody hell, before I have chance to recover and update fully to explain why I got my contract terminated, I have been invited for an interview at another company, I only sent the CV off Saturday night!!

Fingers crossed!!

This is may be my last chance to stay living near London. I love this place, the house, the family and the area are lovely and I really want to stay!!

SHIT. I've lost my job.

Yes I lost it. Couldn't get good enough fast enough. I am DEVASTATED but I am NEVER GIVING UP!

Friday Fucking Friday

Yesterday afternoon was 'orribly busy... hell... today is worse!!

Woke up this morning, found one of my landlord's cats has puked/shat/done something on my carpet.

Got SOAKED fetching lunch orders, my feet/socks/shoes are still soaking, not gonna do my feet any good.

It's been a fairly quiet easy day, but it's got worse. The other runner was gonna take something up to suites 11 and 12, I said I would take it as I had the recipt for 11's lunch, of course the editor I like is in 12. Well I have been too obvious with my 12 serving so it seems. The head runner said 'go serve your sexy man then!' really loudly as I walked out of the kitchen door. In front of all the other runners, they were all in there. I just carried on like I didn't hear it, but I bet they're all talking about me and laughing about me behind my back now. I know I shouldn't care, and the head runner thinks some editors are fit, and says it, but she is popular and likes popular men types and can get away with it. I hide my feelings for fear of ridicule but I have never been able to hide them.

As I said I know I shouldn't care but it's not just normal colleague teasing, I really feel like a total misfit and outsider here. The other newbie runner gets on with everyone fine. I put part of my misfitness down to being a deal younger than the others, but I am just so different. They are popular types who like all girly stuff like going out, drinking, clubbing, make-up, Twilight, celebrities, fashion, typical hot men, all that stuff you get the picture, I like extreme sports, writing, men based on personality not just looks, I'm a quiet weirdo outsider nerd and I don't fit in here at all.

It's not gonna make me give up but it does make me miserable, however this job will get me far so I am gonna stick at it as I am sure it will all be worth it. One day. This company is a really popular one in London, and busy and tough as it is, I will learn a lot and it will look great on my CV. Just be prepared for a lot of miserable blogging as I try and tough out these 2 months.

Can't believe it's the end of my second week already.

Oh and now mixing the pasta salad and smoothie I got from M&S as a treat to myself is making me feel really sick. FUCK'S SAKE!!!!! Fuck off life.

Some troubles

Hmmm. Today was uppy and downy. Someone was rude to me - welcome to the industry!! Edit 12 were a joy to work for as usual. Someone in 4 called me a total star - bless her! See, if clients are nice I will bend over backwards above and beyond my job to help! You get what you give!!

Yeah I took the head runner's annoyance at something really personally and deeply and I was in a bad mood since the rudeness that morning and I just felt like I couldn't cope, and that I was a loner. I got really upset. I wanted to burst into tears or get really angry. Eventually I went on my lunch break, while I was on it the head of all runners (not the one earlier, our kitchen/building head is a she, the head head is a he) anyway he came past while I was on the computer, he asked if I was ok and doing alright, I said sorta, and told him stuff, he sat down and everything came out. He listened and understood and didn't dismiss it as excuse making. I thought in the world of work no-one cares or would help and you had to just suck it up and deal with it, but apparently not, this guy was great, said he would talk to the runners and take it all into consideration and stuff.

I also now, thanks to a lot of encouragement from loads of people, have a shiny new notebook (proper fancy hardback thing from the stationary stock) in which I write everything down that I may need to remember. I thought I would be seen as a loser but no-one cares either way as long as I do my job ok!

Something I also take into consideration is that I am 19 and everyone else is 23ish sort of age - like I was the youngest ever on BBC Post Production work experience, I am the youngest employee at my company. Lack of life experience does count for a lot!!

Also I am SO SO happy here in my houseshare, sharing with a lovely family, in the room that used to be for an au pair for the kids. En-suite! The mate I was staying with is now not my mate. The house was way too small (this one is a huge posh town house) we had nothing in common, very different views, and tbh, she is selfish and can't see things another way.

Everyone says I am doing really well to cope with moving from rural middle England where I have lived all my life to living and working in London with no mates here. I dunno, I am just trying to do what it takes to achieve my goal!!

Tough day but some good has come out of it!!

xx

I have moved!!!

...into a lovely huge house with a lovely family. Things got v bad between me and now my ex-friend. This new place is gorgeous, lovely location, huge house, the family are just great to me, train station is just up the road as is a lovely forest full of mountain bike tracks.... rent is really good. Fast ethernet internet connection in my room. Yummy!

Monday was ugh, Monday, I was very dopey and don't think the head runner was pleased with me. But hey! There's tomorrow! And the rest of the month. My probationary month. Fingers crossed...

Off to bed now - v tired and have to be up in 7 hours!!

So happy to be free.

xx

One week gone...

Can't believe a week is over already!
It got harder as the week went on, worked late on Thursday, Friday was... well the day was ok, the evening... ugh. Ok, so I had been told again that I hadn't cleared the suites properly, so this evening I decided this was it, I was going to do it all or die trying.
In the evening before all the clears it was time for the alcohol run... and guess which twat, with a tray loaded with 2 wine glasses, 2 beers and a cider, all full, completely fucking stacked it on the second flight of stairs... yep, me!! Smashed the wine glasses nicely (bloody cheap anyway) and alcohol everywhere. Argh! But the head runner said don't worry at all, it's ok, she did it a while ago with some beers. Grabbed a dirty old tea towel and got mopping. Was a bit shaken but crisis over.
So, this time I set off with a tray of stuff for only one suite... 1 wine, 1 cider.
Made it up all the stairs (when will they EVER fix the lift? Do they like staff torture?) got to the door of suite 12, knocked on it, stepped back.... wheeee, bye bye wine glass. Just as the lovely cute smiley editor guy whose name I really should find out opens the door. Couldn't have been timed better if it was a scripted sitcom!!
The editor was very nice, he asked if I was ok, i told him about how I'd stacked it earlier, I was so embarrassed and said I'd go get another, and bless him, he said he'd come down to the kitchen with me and get it. Cue me heading downstairs first trying to hide my burning face as the editor followed. As he said though 'you gotta laugh really!' as by that point I was somewhere in the deep abyss between laughing hysterically and crying my eyes out all to release the stress. he told me about how, on work experience at a radio station, he'd managed to get hot chocolate ALL over the reception and the stains were still there. Bless him, he's lovely! Said good bye and have a good weekend later on too.

Andrew the lovely straightforward editor in no 6 left yesterday. He was off to rest to stave off an illness that was coming back. He gave me lots of advice about being a good runner and getting into editing, and also reccomended highly that I learn FCP 'Colour'. This was after some lady came and had a go at me in the kitchen cos there was only one toilet in the building working, and no loo roll. Well, I can't help it if the builders are in doing their stuff, and we left 4 loo rolls in the working toilet, all she had to do was ask for more, but hey, i suppose we should be more loo roll aware. I let her have a go and then walk off, then I went out to do some suite clears and Andrew came up and spoke. After all that, I cleared a couple of suites, went back into the kitchen and had a good few tears. V tired and emotional, gone through a lot, was nice to let it all out. Got all the suites cleared that night!!

Now I am off to look at a house share today and looking forward to work next week!!

xx

day 3...

Crikey.
Working 11-8 shift at the mo, so plenty of chill time in the morning and home late. using mates PC as laptop wont work on wifi here, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

ANYWAY... being a runner... first 3 days have gone well. The company i work for is very big and renowned in London, and very busy. Everyone there is lovely though. i was virtually straight into work on my first day after being shown where everything in the kitchen was. still getting used to it all now. Starting to learn who are the friendliest editors, the quickest ways etc. the thing that kills me is the fact the company has 4 buildings and mine is 7 floors high. and the editor on 15 on 7th floor always wants loads of stuff!

Physically, the job is exhausting. I hardly eat these days, i am on my feet constantly, my feet kill, my back kills, my legs ache, it's really tough. The other newbie runnner admitted he was finding it tough too. he has a masters in film production and is on the same level as me, runner! all the other runners are being great. they didn't blame me when i did a food misorder and things as it happens to us all.

today was hellish at one point cos it was only me and the other newbie runner and the phone was ringing off the hook, and i made a mess of a run to an audio suite to serve a visiting vo (voice over) artist, but later on the vo artist came to the kitchen and specifically asked me if i was ok, bless him, cos i must have looked really upset and stressed. i am proud i managed to get through today and every day i push myself harder to reach limits i never thought i could, so i am so proud and enjoying the runners company and saying Bring It On!!