Gaaah.

So, here I am, sat here in my lovely rented room just north of London. I love it here. It's great. But right now all I can see out of the window is a very dark grey sky, and all I can hear is the rain starting up again. How appropriate.

I still haven't heard back from that company about the job they interviewed me for - they said they would get back to me 'soon' but maybe I was that awful they can't be bothered. Or I don't deserve it. Whatever. People always tell me I shouldn't think such negative thoughts about myself, but so far, all it seems to me is that I have made a total royal prat of myself, by telling everyone I want to be a video editor soooooooooo badly, making myself look so great by getting a triple distinction at college and BBC work experience and finally a job as a runner in London, then promptly crashing and burning in spectacular fashion by only lasting 2 weeks in the job.

And now it seems there are no more jobs. I am sat here every day going nowhere in my career/ambition, and that scares me. I'm scared of never making it, of never achieving my goal, scared of failing.
I just feel like such an idiot. Jules, who was going to be a video editor, and couldn't even hack it as a runner. How bad is that?! I just really want to get on in life. To work hard, work till I drop, if it means I can make it. I know what being a runner in a big company entails now and I know I can do more than I ever thought if I push myself, well the next time something comes along I will work even harder than I ever did and I won't stop.

I can't let everyone down who believes in me, I can't let all the people who said I'd never make it win, I must prove to a certain someone I am worth the time and effort and help, and most of all, I must make it for myself, a) because I love video editing and b) because I need to prove to myself I am not the worthless no-hoper I was made to believe I was.

I have been applying for normal jobs today, having just about exhausted the list of post production companies in London to apply to (suggestions are welcome!) and tomorrow I will phone up and apply for Job Seeker's Allowance - should have done it today I suppose, but it's depressing and I need to be in the right frame of mind to put up with it.

Great, it's hooning it down with rain now, I can hear it all across the house. Tempting to go for a walk in it, but it's never as good as in the films, I'd just end up soaked, it's got to the point where it's so heavy it's beyond suitable for moody walking. It's actually so heavy it's a bit alarming now!

Just took a look out of the window - our road has actually turned into a river! Luckily I live in the highest place in London - something to be very glad of right now! On that point, my condolences go to the family of the policeman swept away trying to stop people using a dangerous bridge. How awful. :(

Well, there you go I suppose, no matter how bad life is someone else's is always worse, at least I am warm and dry! Wrapped up in my roasty toasty old work hoodie. It feels a bit odd wearing it after getting sacked, but my normal hoodie is drying in the laundry and this one is the warmest thing I own right now!

Bloody hell, the WIND!!!! There are twigs and stuff flying past my window and rain blowing UP the street!! Can't see the other side of the street too well! I can hear burglar alarms going off. This is getting seriously serious here. I am going to go before this blog turns into a weather report, and check the family here are ok.

Jules xx