Stuck.

Ok, so...
I hate myself and my work, is the net result of everything so far. I don't know anyone or anything in Leeds, I have no money, everyone at work thinks I am a knob and a weirdo basically. I am FUCKING MISERABLE.
One of the only people from work to ever actually give a shit about me had a drunken convo with me last night. Basically everyone at work thinks I'm a knob and a weirdo. He had a point though, I don't listen to people and I interrupt. I hate myself, I do it all the time, I can't stop it, it's just ingrained. I don't know what to do. I just want out. I would leave tomorrow if I didn't have a minimum term on my housing here. I just want to go home to my mates who like me for who I am, and not have to be around a bunch of closed-minded idiots my age. They are closed minded. Yes I interrupt and don't listen but it's not just that, I'm different and they don't fucking accept me.
My knife is next to me and today I have been more tempted than ever to self harm. But my friend called me instead and is helping me see the wood from the trees. Or whatever that saying is. I'm going to do something constructive. Apply to TV companies in Leeds and find out if I can leave my accommodation early. If I can I want to go home and start again. Get some part time cleaning work or something like that, volunteer on my old tutor's radio station, and pass my driving test. Start again and get into TV. Get back into what I LOVE. I didn't really get on with anyone in my first TV job but there it didn't matter because I was in the industry that I loved. I got on so well with everyone at the BBC. I fucking miss it so bad and wish I could go back. I miss London, I miss my friends, I miss my old life.
If I stay here in this job and situ it will drive me to self harm or something, everyone says I am strong but I'm not this strong, I'm not supposed to be having to be this strong for the sake of money or something stupid.
I need to sort my shit out.

Back on the piste!

For those of you who don't know, both ski runs, and the strip fencers fence on, are called a 'piste' (pronounced peest) It is in fact a French word, meaning track, run, road etc. And fencing has its roots in France, so it's no wonder it involves French words such as piste, and other 'old French' words such as 'en garde in sixte, quarte, octave, septime...' and yes I find it very challenging to remember which is which! However no matter what language I speak (or don't speak!) I was exceedingly glad to hear 'En garde... Allez!' for the first time in nearly two months, and to brandish my foil at my opponent, and fence!! Yes, I am back at it! At Leeds fencing club, to be precise. A lovely club full of people who are kind and have a good sense of humour, which is what I was looking for. I'm never going to be an amazing fencer, but I do like to have fun!

This morning, I ached like HELL, but it was so good, and I felt so good last night too. I am so glad to be back on the piste again. I can't wait for next week, but if Sunday is anything to go by, I shall have to resist the urge to take my foil to work and fence them all senseless!

Jules xx

All good!

Had a good day - smashed sales total of yesterday and manager had a chat with me and totally put my mind at rest. Work was followed up by a good ski session with my mate from work and her friend, it was a right giggle, and I fell for once - looked like a snowman!
Only bad thing was I had to lug all my ski gear home and I have really bad cramp in my legs - but I feel great and am looking forward to tomorrow!

Jules xx

All change!!

So, it's been a while!!
Massive epic fail from me, couldn't get on the net at my new place, then realised I hadn't put the password in in capitals and it was... god I swore, lol!!
So now! I work as a sales assistant in the ski department of Ellis Brigham! Not quite telly but I love skiing and it's money and I get free time on the slopes!
Just like in London, I am having a hard time adjusting and work is tough too, not settling 100% and when I got home and microwaved a potato I burst into tears when part of it burnt - getting used to a new place, a new city, is horrible, it's worse than London, I don't know where anything is!
Everyone on the bus is dead helpful though when I don't know where to get off though. I live in Leeds, it's scary up North. My flatmates are really cool, both of them are out tonight so I am banging the tunes out by myself. Cba with the telly.
Yeah I don't feel too wanted in my department at work and I've hardly had any footbed fitting/making training, so they can't expect me to be doing it all cos I can't do it well enough, so they can't blame me for not selling as much - they took the piss cos I had the lowest sale total today... :(
Very mixed my life is, at the moment.

Rare happiness and possible progess :)

Hello to anybody out there!
Yes, I have been bad, I haven't updated for ages. Why? Well simply, I've been very depressed and feeling like nothing is worth it and life is pointless.
That changed yesterday though. For a start, instead of blanket thick cloud and rain, it was sunny with blue skies! Now trust me, the weather DOES affect moods, and this bad weather was not helping my depression. But yesterday it was a good day for once, and the mother had taken the day off work, hell bent on going flying.
When we took off from the airfield, it felt fabulous. I have being flying since I was -9 months old, and you know what, it NEVER gets any less exciting or amazing, and I am incredibly lucky to be able to do it, because I can't afford it myself. But today felt different. As supposed to the usual exhilaration of take-off, I felt like I was rising above everything bad, flying on the wind to a better place... etc etc etc. It felt great!
Soon after we took off mum handed over control and I was flying. I've been able to level the plane off and turn it/fly straight and level for yonks now, but it's always awesome to grab the stick and say the words 'I have control.'  Amazing!!
Our plan was to head North to a coastal airfield, but that was halted after ten minutes as we flew up to a massive bank of cloud! We're not IMC rated (i.e. able to fly with low or no visibility) so we can't fly through the cloud, nor do we have the instruments for it. Frustratingly, the cloud was too low to fly under safely, so we had to turn back.
It wasn't all bad though. For a while I've been learning to land the plane in case I need to should the pilot be incapacitated. And just because I wanted to for myself - I like a challenge! I've taken it right down to just above the ground before but never landed it - it's very hard and takes a lot of judgement.
Starting on my approach though, I had more confidence than usual. The sun was shining, the wind was less than a whisper, and I was right on target for the runway. Taking a bit of instruction from mum, but I was flying the plane by myself. The descent went well, I was bang on with my throttle control and height. I can't really remember what happened next really well! I remember saying firmly to mum 'I can handle this' , and then I'm yelling 'TROUGH!!' as I thought I was gonna hit the trough to the right of the runway! I remember a 'snapshot' of green grass and trough on my right, and then an actually very smooth bump, and we were rolling along the runway. I was unsure as to whether mum had grabbed the controls at the last minute, but it felt all my own work... I turned to mum and said 'did I do that?' and she said it was all my own landing. I just started shouting YESSSSSS!!!!!!! and laughing my head off like a looney, and I was panting and shaking like a leaf and my legs were like jelly but I was so exhilarated. First landing!! And yes when I got out I kissed the ground!!

Anyway after that we went onto a nature reserve which was lovely because I saw some rare birds including pochards (ok not so rare but they don't live on my village pond!) and a white egret! Just before I saw the white egret (and luckily in the ONLY place in the reserve with phone reception) I got a phonecall inviting me for a job interview with Ellis Brigham!

Excellent stuff! Awesome day! Anyone who knows me will know I love skiing and I'm quite technical and love my gear etc, so I would really like this job. Really really really!
But, it's not TV, I hear you say! Yes but it's something I'd enjoy and it's WAY better than being on the dole, and I urgently need to save up again. I will get back into TV when the chance comes along, but this job sound great and would be awesome. And I need to save up to go on a wildlife video editing course, which would be EPIC.
So tomorrow is my job interview and then straight after I go on holiday for a week with my wonderful boyfriend. Jules is happy again and I can't tell you how damn good it feels to be free of the depression, no matter how brief the respite.

Love to you all,
Jules xx

Bad news

Finally got the rejection e-mail from my dream company... not even invited to interview... kinda gutted. I have enough experience etc. I guess all they want is local people and graduates. What's the f**king point? I'm a girl from a tiny village in the East Midlands, and I don't have a degree cos I don't want to waste 3 years building up debt and writing essays, only to start making sodding cups of tea and coffee. Do you really need a degree to be a runner? Really? Is it fucking necessary to have a degree to make drinks and carry tapes about? Is it fuck. And my location doesn't help too. It's a wonder I don't just give up totally already. What more does this industry want from me? I'm not superwoman, I just wish I could have a chance, but no matter how hard I try, it goes wrong or it doesn't happen.

Bollocks to it.

More Monotony

I've applied for more post production runner jobs and still not heard back from the dream company - 2 weeks later. Not even a yay or nay. I'm giving up hope. I want my career, I do, but it's being drowned in the shitty reality of this modern world.

I'm hungry, but I'm not going to have food yet. I need to learn to control my eating. 3 square, healthy meals a day and no snacking. I have pitiful willpower and it gets me down even more. :(

Jules xx

Waiting waiting waiting!

I hate waiting, oh deary me I am not very good at being patient, so imagine this. I'm into my second week of waiting to see if I've got a runner's job at my dream company. Well it's reality and warrrrgh, I want to know the answer, either way!! Fingers crossed!!

On the other side, I really hate writing covering letters. I just can't seem to talk about myself and say why I want to work for a company without feeling like a total and utter prick! :(

I had a nice weekend with my boyfriend, we went hiking in the Peak District, got the train to Hathersage, hiked up to and aong Stanage Edge and back. It was nice but all a bit "let's keep moving" because if we missed the train we wouldn't get home until 11pm. The long weekend was nice too, but... meh. It's the classic "it's not him, it's me." I think the reason it was all a little meh is because I am actualy fairly depressed right now. I need to see the doctors about a diet and exercise plan, and although I really don't want to, I might go and see them about my depression. When you feel like you're useless, fat, ugly, slow, thick and the world is laughing at you and there is no point to anything, it's time to get help.

I love TV, I love working in it, but I'm so mired in the depression of unemployment and living in the middle of sodding nowhere, that I can't see the wood for the trees. :(

Jules xx

Job hunting again!

So off I go, applying for jobs... anyone got any tips on writing covering letters? I hate it, I can never get it to sound good, I always think I sound like a tit!

On another note, please check out the keyboard playing/composing of my friend Clare (whom I am making videos of her falconry for her!)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AM_LA73dks&feature=related

Cheers!
Jules xx

Argh, London!!

Job is going ok. Really quite repetetive, replacing titles, credits and clips.
Very frustrating software issues too. Feel like hitting the damn Mac with a hammer.
London is shit. Way too busy, way too hot, and this youth hostel is full of noisy oiks and there's a sodding opera next door.
Tomorrow is my last day then on Saturday morning I get out of here - WHOOHOO!!!!
Today was made slightly better by seeing the cutest fuzziest littlest moorhen chick EVER here at the hostel, and by getting the new Pendulum album. Hopefully going to see them on tour in December!!
Yeah this job has been great experience/CV wise but I can't wait to get out of London and not come back! Applying for other cities!!
Jules xx

Of Photo Scanning, Reversioning and Dyscalculic Attacks

Hmmm so today started well - got some better quality behind the scenes footage so edited that down. Nice. Then I had to scan a LOT of pictures in and crop them resize for HD etc. Really boring repetetive work but this is the reality of TV work as a junior, people!!

Anyway, finally in late afternoon I got started on reversioning Peppa Pig. Without going into detail, there is a series of things I have to do on each episode. At first I kept forgetting one thing, I know it's because I am getting used to it but then I realised I was saving the exports in the wrong damn folders. I also told my boss editor a clip was wrong, but it was me mixing the clip numbers up - F**KING DYSCALCULIA. Grrrrrrrrrr!! So after a lot of false starts I hope I can remember exactly what to do and do it fast and well.
Finished the day off by getting all the way down a busy Regent Street while wanting to flatten the stupid amount of humanity that were milling around me, then getting a text saying I'd left my phone charger in the office. Wargh!! Go back, get it, jump on bus home as tube is packed out again. Bah.
F**king hate Regent Street and London in summer. Too hot; too full of people and no cheap food for normal people like me that aren't high-flying rich yuppie city earners. Bah!! I need a Tesco.
Today I was the statue, tomorrow I'm gonna be the pigeon!!! And I still want to work in TV - I promise :D :D :D :D

Jules xx

First day as an assistant editor!

I wasn't actually working on Peppa Pig etc - I was digitising and cutting a 'behind the scenes' DVD extra for an old animation called The Big Knights. All fairly easy, slightly time-consuming, digitising is dull it has to be admitted but great work. The people I work with are cool and the place is chilled. Is all awesome!! Can't wait for more!!
Jules xx

Waaaaargh!!

Less than 24 hours to the assistant editor job.... sooooo nervous and looking forward to it soooo much!! Will keep you updated on how it goes.

I'm not in the best state tbh, my food is going through me like an F1 car, I'm permanently too hot, very very tired, bit ill, so a good night's sleep tonight in preparation for tomorrow!!

While we're here I'm going to reccomend my friend's blog she's just started, Life: Answers Not Included She's a very talented writer and I have worked with her for a couple of years now. Enjoy!!

Oh, and I saw a squirrel running off with a donut in Holland Park today! Gotta love London!

Jules xx

Getting started again!

I may have an assistant editor's job for a week in London. Cannot describe how excited I am. An awesome opportunity. Reeeally looking forward to it. :D

Jules xx

Another setback...

Quit my outdoor instructor job,

To tell the truth I'm not toooooo bothered cos I wasn't having a fab time on the job. Working with the kids is ok but I can't stand the 'social life', being at work 24/7, not being able to go home, being stuck in the bubble etc. I am glad to be away from it, it's just not for me.

So now I'm after a job in TV again - back to square 1!!!!! I have missed TV so much and no matter what I still won't give up on my dreams! My mum won't let me anyway :/ next time she nags me I am off to live in a tent in the woods!! (Only joking.)

Peace and love,
Jules

Life: all change please!!

What happened to me since my last blog post? Nothing, because Red Bee never got back to my boss about the work. With a worsening situation where I lived, and hating being on benefits and alone, I decided it was time for a real change. I started applying to be an adventure activity instructor.

On Friday 28th May I start work with JCA as an Activity Instructor for 4 months. I will be living on whichever camp I get sent to. Sharing a room - apprehensive about that, I am very much an only child and need my own space to retreat into. However, I got on so well with all the people I met at interview, I am really excited about this, as well as being terrified! I will be teaching all kinds of sports and activities and I can't wait.

I don't think this is going to be that easy; socially I am going to find it very hard, for the first few weeks at least. All the arrangements are up in the air and I find it hard to deal with that. I'm looking at it as a fantastic learning experience in which I will learn to be a lot stronger and cope better, just as I did even when miserable in London - and hopefully, a chance to make some awesome friends and have some amazing times! And have FUN!

So yes, very nervous, but bring it on!! Plus it's money and a job and I don't have to worry about food and accommodation, it's included!

What's happening with your TV career, I hear you wonder? Well, I've not given up on it, and I never will. I'm just taking a break for the industry to recover. A fantastic job opportunity arose in London, but now I have moved out, I don't want to change my plans or give up on this adventure instructor job - I am 20, I have plenty of time - one thing I never used to accept - I am going to have fun and learn to be mature, grow up and handle things well now - TV can wait for the moment. But I'll be back.

Jules xx

So here we are... going nowhere.

Still no work for me, Red Bee project got pushed back to May for now, I am fully expecing it to be pushed back again, in which case I think I will move home.

I have no direction, do not really know what I am living for, fed up with going nowhere, doing nothing...

On the other hand, I have volunteered for Scouts, and I am still loving my fencing, but I am so, so, so incredibly alone and it's killing me.

Feel pretty damn shit right now. And have a mammoth of housework etc...

Stand up to the media barons!

I find it unbelievable that the BBC is going to make such huge cuts all because of pressure from the likes of Rupert Murdoch and his son. This lot are steadily poisoning all of the British media and I would hate to see them bring the country's greatest broadcast corporation to its knees. It's our BBC, as they're so fond of saying, so we need to stand up and fight off those who wish to hurt it.


If you haven't already done so, please sign the petition here http://blog.38degrees.org.uk/2010/03/02/save-the-bbc/

Epic 24 hours!

So I went to film at this gig that someone at the BBC hooked me up with. His bro wanted camera ops. Anyway...

It was a dubstep/jungle music gig in a warehouse in Dalston. I had many preconceptions about this, basically I was all thinking it would be drugs and violence. Couldn't be further from the truth on the latter, and saw none of the former, although suspect a lot of people were under an influence of some kind! Everyone was so friendly and chatted to me, I couldn't believe it.

Anyway; the premise. Go to some backstreet place, in a random not too posh place, in London, late at night, till 4am, to film a gig with someone I have never met, in a place I have never been, of a music genre I'd never really heard of and deffo not a fan of. For nothing.

2 months ago I would have never on earth considered this, yet I found myself getting on the the bus, tube, and rail replacement bus to Dalston. Transport this weekend was a f**king nightmare - more on that later.

So the gig was pretty packed eventually. Full of smokers, so I was coughing for a good while after. It was mental. But we filmed loads. I got completely squashed in crowds with a sizeable Sony camera, but I did ok. The guy who I was filming for, Jonathan (who bears quite a resemblance to James MacKenzie, scarily) said 'I like you, you're fearless! You just dive in there and get in people's faces!' This isn't normally what I am like, but I had a job to do and footage to get. So jumping up on stage, wading into dancing crowds etc, it all gets done!

Finally at 4am it finished, I had survived, all my stuff was intact, I was intact. Jon's phone died so he stuck his sim card in mine and we ordered a cab to his. He lives in Peckham - that place has a rep - so we arrived there at about 5am finally. Made sure we had footage, had a coffee, I had my pot noodle that I'd brought, and then we passed out on the sofa. Woke up a little later and grabbed an hour's sleep - in seperate beds I hasten to add!! Then it was up at 8am - I awoke first, had no idea where I was and how I would get home - we had all the kit to return, before Jon had to catch a Eurostar at midday to see his girlfriend in France! This was compounded by utter travel woes - all the tube lines we needed were closed! After several buses and some waiting around, we delivered the kit back to the owner. Jon was now panicking about getting to the Eurostar, so we found a bus to Kings X and got him there.

After I saw him through departures I had to deliver a light to someone in Acton! Cue a bus to Paddington cos the hammersmith&city and central lines were out, and then a very quick train to Acton Mainline. Delivering the light was dead easy and quick - guy's place was very near the station and easy to find. Then it was back to Paddington, Bakerloo line to Central line, and Central line to Gants Hill to get a bus back to where I live. Unfortunately the bus stops were closed cos of roadworks so a wasted trip! Back on the tube and off to South Woodford on the other branch. Finally managed to pick a bus up - it's now 4pm and I am beyond tired and wonder how I stay awake. Get home and collapse into bed. Sleep 11 hours broken sleep from 6pm, and am amazed I survived. Want to kick London Transport in the balls repeatedly.

I don't think this taught me much in terms of technical filming skills, but the confidence I gained from doing all this in deep London and not dying etc is incredible. The other guy who was filming was cool - good to make aquaintences, and Jonathan seems to be a solid guy. But what I really gained from this will stand me in good stead for anything. I realise now what a protected soft life I lead until now. That's over now I live here. It was a bloody tough 24 hours, but I do not regret it. Life experience!

Jules xx

They think it's all over...

...it is now.

The winter olympics are over for me and while I am as sad as expected I'm also incredibly glad and lucky I got the chance to be a part of it. I had such a great time, I learnt a lot and I met so many awesome people. From the edit shadowing with Euan to raving at 5am to soundman Pete's incidental cover tracks, from just making teas and coffees to being the only person in the BBC to notice someone was swearing live on air, it's been a wonderful experience and an educating one too. What have I got out of it? A little more technical knowledge, some more editing inspiration and tips on using Final Cut Pro, more knowledge about how live broadcasts, interactive and in particular the sound works, and some good advice from people on the industry in general. There's also some prospective volunteer camera work for the brother of one of the editors. I've learnt to handle nightshifts, and keep going even when I am exhausted, something I learnt at my old work and improved upon here. I've had a great laugh. I am missing it and the people so much right now and will miss them for some time more.

The best thing was at the end when the lady who runs the whole thing said I was definitely to keep in touch and she'd look at getting me on Winbledon and some more of the upcoming sports events. I just hope I can earn enough to stay in London until this happens!

Now I have a lot of mundane stuff to sort out - laundry etc - I have to finally decide on what skis I want, and buy them - and I have a lot of e-mails to send. I also need to apply to BBC Salford Quay...

Cheers,
Jules - missing work and people like hell :( xx

Work again!

Only 3 nights left - gutted. I'm loving my time there. Everyone's a bit subdued and stuff now cos we're half way through and all sleep deprived and stuff, but they all remain great people and I'm going to really miss working with them. I had to go for a walk last night as was getting pretty depressed stuck in there. I went up to see a mate who was free for once (early finish for her team) and had a chat to her, so felt better! Overall it's great. Oh and I made the engineer jump again, by accident! Oops!

Work

Work has been awesome. Everyone is lovely, really friend, we have a right laugh, and best of all, they encourage shadowing. I have been shadowing editors and learning about other roles too. It's been fantastic! Last night they even let me use one of the editing computers when the editor was done! I think they did it just to keep my quiet. It's not all good; I am too over-enthusiastic and stuff. I am also suffering from depression; the nightshifts and stuff are sending me haywire. I have 3 nights off now, but I want to go back now! Can't wait. Sod OFF depression, this should be the time of my life!

Day 2

It was quieter than usual tonight. Even so, we had an overlap feed, where the feed is too long for a tape so we set another tape going to record the same feed just before the first tape runs out. Requires you to be on the ball, which I wasn't. The first one I missed by 2 seconds or so, the second one by half an hour... tonight shall be better!!
I am getting on well though, we had some good banter last night and everyone is lovely still, and I have been having great chats with an editor who said I might be able to get some editing in on his FCP when he's not using it, and he was really interested in what I'd done.
Tonight wasn't so good due to the fact my back kicked off really badly and it was in agony, so I couldn't walk about etc. Then the canteen food or whatever decided to give me a dodgy stomach. The pain and dodgy stomach resulted in me throwing up outside at 4am, and feeling like absolute s**t! After a painkiller and some rest and a drink of milk, I started feeling better at 5am. Shadowed some editing as nothing was going on, which was ace, and Colm the director said I could go home early. As it was before 6:30am I got a cab home which was great.
Just woken up in the dark which was horrible, and really depressing. Hopefully I will feel better later on tonight! At least I've slept more.

Jules xx

First day... night... something...

First shift went great, except for my cab being late - just a misunderstanding. I'm very glad we're allowed cabs in the evening as I don't think anyone likes walking a while to a train station in the dark and pouring rain, and I can't drive yet, or afford a car!!

So, I arrived, got shown everything, and was straight into work. I have to record all the live feeds for legal purposes (e.g. if someone rang up and said someone swore on air but they actually didn't, we would have the recording to prove it.) It has a special term but I can't remember it for the life of me, one of those mental blocks I think!)

Everyone I work with is lovely and always up for a good chat unless they're ultra-busy. There's loads of us in the Broadcast Interactive area, there's everyone at the gallery monitoring/controlling the live feeds, there's a graphics guy who makes all the fancy titles e.g. Moguls skiing coming up, there's a sound control booth, there's a whole bank of screens in the back where all the shots/footage is logged, and there are three Final Cut Pro editing computers for editing video packages for web and broadcast, of highlights etc. They are in there for fast turnaround purposes.
There is also me, recording all the live feeds and making everyone drinks, and also handing the meal vouchers out!
There are a lot of us in there and it's very busy, and very occasionally we get in each other's way but everyone is fine. The only cross words that were had were with the one FCP editing machine (incidentally, the one fancy hired one!) that repeatedly crashed from about 4am, delaying the video packages for the website and generally being very very shite!!

I slept in the day time, woke up at 5:30pm convinced it was Monday morning, and finish my shift and start my next shit on the same day!! Mind-f**kery abound, but I am loving the work so far, great atmosphere and can't wait for tonight!!

Jules xx

3 days to go...

...till ultimate sleep fuckery. I'm on the 11pm-7am shift which means I have to invert my sleeping completely if I want to be awale in the daylight. As if I don't have enough sleep troubles already! But I don't really care... I can't WAIT to get working! It doesn't seem real, to be honest. But come 9pm, I will be heading off to the train station to go into work, probably very nervous and very excited! Winter Olympics: Bring It On!!

Jules xx :D :D :D :D

YAAAAAY!!

Ok, so I got the job as runner on the winter olympics!! I am SO SO HAPPY!!! :D :D :D :D

Jules xx

Direction please!!

It's over half way through January and I have gone nowhere except backwards. Whereas before I was living happily ignorantly on my savings, I am having to really watch my money now, I'm in serious shit. I left college in June, and while I had always planned to take the 'summer holidays' time as a kind of mini gap year and relaxation, that seems a million years ago now. I just feel like I am wasting my life, not to mention my money, waiting for the BBC to actually give me some work.

I want to be excited about the course I am supposed to be going on on Friday which should mean I can work in the studios, but I dare not get excited in case it turns out that I'm not on the course, or that there isn't any work afterwards. I am praying that there will be, but I am really losing the hope and faith now. I lasted 2 weeks in a Soho house and now, life in its usual complete bastard fashion, has dangled my dream job in front of my nose, and yet kept it just out of my reach. All I want to do is get working. All I want is to be working in TV. Not because I want to be rich or famous - because it's what I love. It's the one thing I want in the world and I can't get it.

If I don't get work in February I will probably have to move home. Do you have any idea how much bullshit there is to swim through, and hoops to jump through, to claim benefits? Especially housing benefit?

I feel so disheartened. I know it's a bloody tough industry and I shouldn't give up, but it just seems that something out there is determined to make me pack it in, and keep me from what I love. But every time I think about throwing in the towel and trying for a 'normal' career in a shop or something, something stops me. Possibly it's just fear or cowardice, but it's keeping me here like an idiot, praying and waiting for some work.

I feel down now, but earlier today something great happened. I attended the volunteers briefing meeting for the London International Documentary Festival. At first I wasn't put in the video production team like I'd so very much wished for, but I spoke to Filip, the co-ordinator, and practically made him put me in the video production team. I guess he thought with me being so young I hadn't had any experience or didn't know much. Bollocks!
The thing was, everyone there was in their early or late twenties, and they were all in uni or had already gone through it. All the girls are dressed nicely, fashionably and smartly. BUT this time, in a social situation, I relaxed. I said 'what the fuck, I am me, I will go my own jeans'n'tshirt way. And you know what? We all got on great. It was brilliant. And my lack of uni was more than made up for when everyone found out I worked for the BBC. All these 23-25 year old graduates wanted the job I have. I'm not being cocky about this - I feel sodding lucky to have my BBC work experience let alone my job - but it was nice in a way because it all put us on an even level. We had a great chat in the meeting and in the pub afterwards, and I had to go early to see my friend, but when I got up to leave I put my Nightwish hoodie on, and Filip said they were one of his fave bands and we needed a chat sometime. Happy days!

They are a great bunch of people and I can't wait to get working on the festival. Now I just have to pray the BBC have work for me...

Remember, as I am doing now, even though life is bloody shit, somewhere there is good stuff.
Peace out,
Jules xx

Happy New Year...sort of.

Well that was a nice new year... felt a tad dodgy but went ahead with the new year's eve drinks... come new year's day I am laid flat with some weird bug, couldn't breathe properly due to crap on my chest, coughing lots, either freezing cold or boiling hot, delirious the whole time, and legs terribly achey - not nice at all! The alcohol had little to do with it except make me even more dehydrated - bloody bugs.

And I think I am supposed to be working on Moday but no-one from the BBC has told me anything about when I am going back in, so... I don't have a clue.

Happy new year!!